Sun
by Quil Explodes
Summary: Jacob's diary for all of New Moon. What he's thinking...even if you don't like Jacob, you should still read it. xD
1. Chapter 1

September 21

The Cullens have left. Sam Uley's little gang, plus some other superstitious freaks, are having bonfires on the cliffs. It looks like fun, I love bonfires, but not the reason why they're celebrating. For me it has a different significance, though I'm sure not as bad as some peoples'. Bella. I mean, I've always liked her. But she looked like she really loved that Cullen guy. And then for him to leave her like that...why would he do it? I wish I could go over and see how she was doing. I walked over there the night he left because Billy wouldn't let me take the car, got there like three in the morning, when Bella was asleep in the house. Apparently Sam had found her in the woods, pretty far in, and she said she was trying to follow Cullen.

* * *

September 23

My life sucks. Quil and Embry are being annoying and Sam's little gang is looking at me funny. Billy says there's nothing to worry about. He thinks they're great. Billy says Charlie says Bella's...not doing too well. Actually, doing horrible. He says that in the last few days Bella won't eat or sleep, and all Charlie can do is try to get her to drink so she doesn't get dehydrated. The doctor says it's shock, Billy says. He still won't let me go over there.

* * *

September 25

Sophie asked me to go to the movies with her today. I said no. Quil's telling me I made a mistake. He says she's hot. I don't think so. I mean, she's pretty, but Bella's prettier. I still can't go see her. Maybe I'll try hitch hiking or something. It's my only chance to get down there until my Rabbit is finished, which is going to be a while.

According to Billy Bella's mom came up here from Florida or where ever, to try to get Bella to eat, sleep, talk, and if she couldn't she'd bring her back with her. She threw a huge tantrum or something, because she didn't want to leave Forks. Can't think why. You'd think she'd want to forget about Edward Cullen.

* * *

September 29

Ugh. I hate school. It's so unbelievably boring. I just play tic-tak-toe with Embry and Quil all day, so I might as well just not go at all.

* * *

September 31

Charlie called again, asking Billy if anything like what's happening with Bella had happened with my sisters. Apparently she's like a zombie now. Eating, sleeping, doing her homework...but nothing more. And she's having nightmares, Billy says. Screaming in her sleep. Maybe she needs professional help.

I'm asking around at school if anyone's driving to Forks, but no one is. I guess if I want to see her I'll have to walk there.


	2. Chapter 2

October 10

Sophie asked me out again, on a group date thing. This time I said yes. I mean, how bad can it be? I like her, she's nice, and funny, and yes, she's pretty, whatever. Quil and Embry are going to be there too so it'll be fun.

* * *

October 12 

It was fun. I do like Sophie, just...I don't know.

* * *

October 13 

Billy says Bella isn't getting any better. Still zombie-like, still screaming in her sleep...I really wish I could do something for her, but I can't get up there.

* * *

October 20 

God, I hate them! They creep me out, I don't even know why.

So, me and Embry and Quil were hanging around the store, and Sam and his gang walked up. They were talking about something intensely, but we couldn't make out the words. Quil said something, you know, like a little provoking I guess. But it wouldn't have bothered anyone else. So Paul started shaking, and he was REALLY shaking, like...I can't describe it. He was majorly pissed. Anyway, Sam walked over to him and put his hand on his shoulder, which was like vibrating, and said, "Calm down" and it was like an order, it had this authority in it. And Paul stopped shaking, he looked pretty unhappy about it too, like he didn't have a choice, and he calmed down and they all ran off toward the trees. I mean, it doesn't sound like much when I write it down, but it was...freaky. Unnatural. Embry thinks theres something wrong with them too. Quil just doesn't like them.

* * *

October 25 

We were on the beach yesterday, and Sam and Jared and Paul were there too. We were going to make a fire and I saw them a little ways off, down the beach, and I swear, if I didn't know it was them I would have thought they were brothers. They looked so much alike. Well, Sam's older, and taller, and bigger, and all that, but they all look like...brothers.

* * *

October 27 

I asked Billy about Sam's gang today...a lot of good that did. He LIKES them. Thinks they're "doing good for the rez" and "helping out" "protecting people" and then he shut up like he said too much. Helping people? Yeah, right. More like freaking them out.

They're all getting on my nerves. And I had a test in history today and I'm sure I failed. I need a vacation.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Sorry the entries are so short right now...but Jacob isn't having a very interesting life. No werewolves, no vampires, no Bella...what's he supposed to write about? xD_

* * *

November 1 

Well, I never got my vacation. Instead, I got more homework. And tests. And quizzes. Grr.

* * *

November 2 

Today Quil told me about how he was asking his parents about Sam's gang, and Old Quil heard him and started yelling at him for saying "that stuff" about Sam and them. He was really pissed off, Quil said. Then Quil asked him about them and he just kept on yelling. Usually Old Quil's so calm, and contained, so this is weird. There is something just so off about them...

* * *

November 6 

My life is boring. I know I shouldn't complain, and I'm not, I'm just saying. Hmpf.

I should probably ask Sophie out...Okay, that sounds weird...but I DO like her, it's just...I don't know. I will. I'll ask her to...somewhere.

* * *

November 8 

I did ask her, but she was busy. I can't help feeling relieved. I really hate myself for this. I mean, I'm being a real jerk.

* * *

November 15 

Bella's no better, Billy says. Still zombie-like, still mourning that jerk who left her. I can't believe that--well, I can't believe he left her in the first place--but I can't believe she's held on to him like this. She's not going to last.

* * *

November 20

I don't know why I'm writing in here. It seems so...young. I dunno. I keep on writing, though. So, yeah. Whatever.

* * *

November 22

Asked Sophie out again. We went to the beach, made a driftwood fire...it was fun. But she's...I don't know. She's kinda...clingy, you know? She wants to do things I don't, if you get what I'm saying. It really makes me feel bad when I push her away, I just...well...argh.

* * *

November 25

We had this test in math that I know I messed up on. Exponents are not my strong point, I'll tell you that much.

* * *

November 30

I really don't know how much longer I can stand this. Sophie's really getting...too much. And Bella really needs to get over Edward Cullen. I mean, I know he was beautiful, I know he was nice and all that, I know she loved him (a lot)...but people loose people they love all the time, right? She had her moment (or months) of missing him, now she needs to get over him already!

God, I sound like a jerk. I really insensitive unsympathetic jerk. I guess everyone would say I just don't know what it feels like. I guess that's true, but still. I'm going to ask Billy again if I can go over there, just to see what I can do. He can't just say no without a reason, can he?


	4. Chapter 4

December 10

Studying for midterms, don't have that much time to write. But it's not like I have anything to write about so that's okay. Billy still won't let me go see Bella. Maybe I'm getting paranoid, but I have a suspicion that he's told some people not to drive me down there. That sounds stupid, and I don't even know why Billy would want to keep me away from Bella. Maybe I'm going crazy. Everything else seems to be pointing to that too.

* * *

December 16 

Phew. They're over. The midterms, I mean. Sophie wanted to go out and celebrate but I made some excuse, saying Billy was going to be pissed at me if I didn't come home. Then I went over to Quil's. What a jerk I am. Quil's telling me how stupid I am and to hurry up and tell her I'm not interested so he can ask her out. You know what? Boys are jerks.

* * *

December 20 

There. I've done it. I've dumped her. She looked like she was going to cry when she walked away. I felt horrible. But it's not as bad as before.

Quil said he heard Old Quil and Sam Uley talking about something, whispering, all secretive. He heard something about patrols, "there's not enough". But then they saw him so they shut up quick.

* * *

December 28 

Quil's birthday today. He had a little party-ish thing...nothing big. It was fun.

* * *

January 1 

Billy says Charlie says that Bella's better. Well, not all that much. Still screaming in her sleep, but she's more "awake", Billy says.

Apparently Charlie said that he threatened Bella with having to go back to Florida to live with her mom and that got a serious reaction out of her. I don't understand why she stays here. You'd think that she'd want to forget him, not stay in this boring place and be reminded of him at every familiar landmark, every memory.

* * *

January 10 

I can't believe it. I mean, why me? Why now? Why so...casually? Not that I'm complaining. I'm thrilled. Who wouldn't be?

Okay, let me start from the beginning. So, I was sitting at the table doing my homework (well, not actually doing it, just kind of sitting there spacing out) when I heard the roar of Billy's old truck. The one Bella bought. I couldn't believe my ears till I ran out and saw it. But then I couldn't believe my eyes. She looked so...horrible. Her skin was lighter, paler, but not creamy like last time I saw her, but sallow, unhealthy. Her hair was darker, dark brown, standing in sharp contrast to her face. She had big dark circles under her eyes, even more than Edward Cullen. And the way she stood, the way she walked, the way she smiled tiredly at me like she hadn't smiled in months--well, she probably hadn't--was just so...

I was shocked. But I hid it and acted happy to see her, well, I _was _happy to see her, of course I was. Anyways, she came in and said hi to Billy, then we went out to the shed, Bella said she wanted to look at the car I was building. But then she said she had some motorcycles in her truck, picked up from some corner. It's beyond me why she'd want to fix them--she'd never really seemed like a motorcycle kind of girl, but I didn't ask. I didn't want her to leave, after all. Well, we got the motorcycles, they're not half bad, one of them's a Harley Sprint.

Bella's coming over tomorrow to work on the motorcycles...she said she wants me to teach her to ride, too.

I can't say I'm not suspicious, but I'm not going and wasting my time. I'm not that stupid.

Quil and Embry are never going to let me hear the end of this.


	5. Chapter 5

January 11

Well...Bella did come. And we went to the dump, and the auto parts store. Then back to the garage to work on the bikes. Luckily Quil and Embry didn't come again...their teasing is something I could have done without. I mean, I don't even know what to think, so what am I going to tell them?

She and Charlie stayed for dinner. I could see him looking at us strangely.

She said she'd come back after school tomorrow. She just looks so horrible...all pale and thin. Tiny, too. I really hope I can help her. It's too soon to tell, but...she needs to let go of Edward Cullen. He left her, she needs to leave him behind. Yes, I know. She...loved him. Still does. But...well. Ack, I can't seem to write anything. So...bye.

* * *

January 16 

I worked on the bikes most of last evening after everyone left. I get obsessive when I have a project to do, and I wanted to get them done, for Bella. Though if I had any sense I'd drag it out. Who knows if she'll want to see me when they're done, and she can ride them?

* * *

January 21 

Ha! I'm 42. Bella's 36. I got a few years for knowing about cars, for building my own. I gave her 2 for being a good cook, (god, can she cook!), and I got one for...what was it? I forgot. :)

But today...in the car, I was reaching for the radio, to turn it on, you know, listen to some music. But when I turned it on (there was music playing) Bella kinda...almost imperceptibly, just, sorta...flinched, curled in on herself, pressed her body against the door and her arms, it's always her arms around her chest. I'll have to ask her why she does that...don't want to hurt her or anything, though.

* * *

January 31 

Ben a while since I wrote last. Nothing going on except Bella coming over and us working on the motorcycles. Actually, I don't let her around them since a few days ago she tripped on a piece of dirt (!) and fell on a hammer. Ouch. So yeah. She's glad to stay away too.

Quil and Embry are bugging me. On top of teasing me about Bella (I swear I will smack them if they do that one more time) they're telling me I spend too much time with her and not enough with them. Agh. They _know_ I...oh, nevermind.

* * *

February 6 

I. Can't. Believe. It.

Partly I feel guilty. Maybe if I had been a better friend lately...but something tells me there's nothing I could do, nothing I could have done. Quil says...well Quil doesn't feel my guilt, but...oh, god.

Shit.

My best friend.

With them.

I can't believe it.

* * *

February 7 

I never said what I couldn't believe, last time I wrote. Yesterday. It doesn't seem like yesterday. That's all.

Well anyways. In case you were wondering...it's Embry.

And I still can't believe it. Did he _want_ to join them? Sam's little _cult_. He couldn't have. He hated them as much as I did. More, even. And now I see him, laughing with _them!_ Jared, and _Paul!_ He stopped when he saw me, sure. He looked...hurt, even. But then Sam came along, and he turned right back to them. Everything forgotten.

God.

He hated them.

It started with him avoiding us. For a few days, his mom said he was sick. We couldn't see him. Contagious?

Then, after we called like a thousand times, we went over there and his dad stopped us. We couldn't see him. No one could. He didn't tell us why.

Finally, after a billion messages and another few times of being turned away at his door, we just about gave up.

Then...we saw him. Walking around. _Laughing_, for god's sake. While he was supposed to have some life-threatening disease and while we were worrying our butts off about him.

With them.

* * *

February 9 

Me and Quil tried to talk with Embry today. We caught him alone, for once. But I was sure Sam and the others were there somewhere close. We tried to ask him what was wrong, what happened. We tried to tell him how worried we'd been.

He looked at us, tried to say something, then stopped, like his air had been cut off. He stared at us. He opened his mouth. Nothing came out. Then he took a deep breath and said "I can't...I'm sorry. Sorry." Quil, naturally, got pissed. "What do you mean, you can't! Of course you can! Just open your stupid mouth and tell us, Embry! What the hell is going on?" And Embry literally started shaking. Like, it looked like his shape was...blurring, or something. Reminded me of Paul a few weeks ago. Just the same.

And then he just turned around and walked away from us, shaking. Didn't even look back.

Just the same.

* * *

February 10 

Finished the motorcycles. I'll tell Bella tomorrow.

* * *

February 11 

I told Bella all about Sam's cult thing. And Embry. She..totally understood. Hugged me. I have to admit, it did make me feel a little better. Until I saw Embry cliff diving with Jared and Paul. From the top ledge, of course.

Bella tried to ride the motorcycles. Didn't really work. It would have been funny if there wasn't blood everywhere and the bike on top of her.

Had to take her to the emergency room. Laughing, blood, and her smile.

But it doesn't seem like much without Embry.

* * *

February 15 

We saw Embry again...actually, we see him a lot.

_Laughing!_

I just can't get over it. It's like he doesn't even care about us anymore. His smile disappears when he sees us, sure. But I'm sure it jumps right back on after we leave.

We haven't tried to talk with him again. It's no use. He either glares at us, splutters, or shakes. When he shakes Sam comes over. It's like Sam's playing with us. We can talk to him, sure. But the minute he starts shaking...what the hell is up with that?

* * *

_A/N: Please tell me what you think._

_And please tell me I'm right that it was Embry who changed first, not Quil. I'm 99.999 sure, but...yeah. Please review!!!  
_


	6. Chapter 6

February 18

It's strange. Now that Embry...now that he's...you know...it's been kinda strange with Quil. He seems depressed, well so am I. My best friend's just ditched us for guys we thought he hated, and something's happened to him, who wouldn't be depressed?

But Quil...he never calls me anymore, he never...anything. It's like...it's awkward with him. I never thought I'd be saying this. It's all Embry's fault.

Wait. I don't mean that. He didn't _want_ to be sucked into that cult, did he? He didn't want to ditch us for Sam and them, did he?

No. It's not his fault. Why did I say that?

* * *

February 20 

I've decided it's time to ask Billy about this. I tried a while ago, right after Embry...but he didn't even say anything.

But now I'm going to ask him until he tells me something. _Anything_.

* * *

February 21 

Asked Billy. What a huge help _that_ was. Jeez.

And about what I said about asking him till he tells me something? I can hardly ask him if he's talking to someone on the phone 24/7. Charlie, Sam...Sam. Harry Clearwater...and Embry's mom. She's joined the little group of Billy's gossiping cronies. Ugh. Just like Embry's joined Sam.

I can't stand it.

* * *

February 22 

Jeez. Edward Cullen is totally taking over Bella's life. When he's here, he's monopolizing her. When he's not, his memory's monopolizing her. I wish I could help her get over him. For her sake as much as mine. It's painful to see her like this. If it's this hard for_ me_ to see, what's it like for her? At least she has some color back in her cheeks, some weight on her bones. A smile on her mouth, in her eyes.

Billy tells me Charlie says it must be me. She's not screaming in her sleep as much. Of course I'm glad I'm helping her. I want her to be happy. Without Edward Cullen. But...I'm not doing anything...special. I'm just being her friend, for god's sake! What, all her friends from school don't care enough about her to help her? Ugh.

* * *

February 25 

Me and Quil confronted Emrby today. Quil actually had some initiative...finally.

Anyways...it's not like Embry's said anything the last billion times we'd asked him, but this time...it was a little different.

We caught him without the others, just as he was going home. I guess they don't go with him _everywhere_. So we asked him what was going on for the billionth time, and I have to admit I guilt tripped him a little. Anything to make him tell us.

But I don't think a little guilt tripping is going to do anything when it comes to Embry.

He opened his mouth, and I have to say, he looked...just...ah. Frustrated, but it went further than that. Pained. Yes. Well anyway he opened his mouth and kind of...tried talking? He said something like, "I...I--the le--lege--" He had to stop, it seemed like something was cutting off his air. "Jake--Quil--please, think--they're tru--" True? What's true? That Sam's the biggest asshole known to humanity and he stole our best friend from us? I told him that. Some of that. He looked even more pained and said, "No--it's not Sam's fault, he does his best...he's...actually..." and here he looked at us kinda scared. "cool." WHAT? Sam, cool? Ugh. What's he turned into?

* * *

February 26 

Bella wants to find some sort of meadow or something. She said she found it while hiking...somehow I don't believe it. She's not the hiking type of girl. But anyways, I got a compass, she got some boots, and we started out looking. No luck so far, though. Only one day in.

Bella's seemed to have gotten...excited by this search. It's weird. Everything's weird. How I feel for her...weird. I just...don't get it.

What do I mean, I don't get it? She's beautiful. Funny when she wants to be, when she can. And she needs my help. How can I not?

* * *

February 30 

Bella's trying to get on with her life without Edward, so I'm trying to get on with my life without Embry. I guess I know what she's feeling...a little. It's not like I was in love with Embry though, like she was with Edward. Hah. So maybe not.

She said she want to do something with her other friends from school, and I think my disappointment showed on my face so she assured me that Quil and I are also invited. She promised to get a good selection of girls for Quil...ha. He wishes. I don't need them, I have Bella.

* * *

March 1 

So Quil said he didn't want to go. And Bella said she invited some guy called Mike Newton, and Angela, her boyfriend Ben, some Jessica...for tomorrow. We're going to see some zombie movie. I think Bella chose that because...well, I don't think she likes romances anymore.

* * *

March 2, evening 

Just got back from the movie. Feel all hot. Billy was eying me weirdly when I got back. Bella said I had a fever...

It ended up being just me, Bella, and Mike Newton. I could tell Bella really liked me more than Mike, and I was glad. He was...that was funny, that movie. So fake. And _he_ threw up...ew. At least he didn't throw up in my car. Phew.

Ew, phew...ha. Sorry. Of topic. Okay...my brain is fizzling. Seriously. It's all hot. Everything's hot.

Anyway, when we were waiting for Mike to finish in the bathroom, I just felt...bold. Why not tell Bella how I feel about her? What do I have to loose?

I told her (feeling really cheesy at the moment, too) that I would always be there for her. She could always count on me. God, how corny. :)

* * *

March 9 

Guess why I haven't written in a week?

Guess why I start shaking every time I get remotely angry, like Embry?

Guess why Quil's alone now, instead of with me?

Guess why I can't even see Bella anymore.

Guess.

* * *

March 10 

Yep. You're right. I'M A FREAKING WEREWOLF.

And I'm not kidding.

Yesterday evening I...phased? That's what the pack calls it...the pack. Embry. At least I know about that. At first, I was like (in my head) happy that I could tell Quil. And maybe he'd change too...he'd be happy. Somehow I know that this is the kinda thing he loves. He'd like it. (which I think is crazy, but there you go.) Then Sam _ordered_ me that I couldn't tell anyone. Like _ordered_ ordered. Like an order that I can't disobey. No matter how hard I try, like Embry that day outside his house.

Billy's_ happy. HAPPY!_ It makes me so mad. Here I am, freaking miserable, and he's _happy!_ Says he's relieved that he doesn't have to keep waiting, keep watching me. As if he had to!

So he_ knew_! He knew all along! He knew when I asked him about Embry, he knew when I asked him about Sam's gang, he knew when I was so worried I couldn't sleep. _And he didn't even do_

* * *

Later 

Sorry. Guess what I was just doing? Running around the forest as a giant mutant monster.

Yes, when I was ranting about how insensitive Billy was being, I exploded. And the freaking wall is all dented because my tiny room isn't big enough for a giant mutant wolf to fit in. At least I could calm down enough to change back, walk through the living room as a human, and get to the edge of the forest.

Billy looked at me, worried. It took all of my non-existant self control to stay human.

Sam and Embry were wolves when I phased. Embry tried to tell me, _again, _how glad he was that I was finally a monster too. I thought of Quil and he backed off. I could see the pain in his head.

Sam tried to talk to me, to tell me something about some bloodsucker on our borders. I thought of Bella and how she would feel, look, what she would think now that I had left her too, and he backed off too. I could see the guilt in his mind, even though it wasn't his fault.

* * *

March 12 

Eventful day...

Oh, god. I can't stand that...not-caring-about-anything-mood. It reminds me of Bella.

Bella.

I can't believe that _filthy _bloodsucker _dared_ try to EAT her. Drink, whatever. And to think we were almost just in time...I was so mad at Sam...he almost didn't want to interfere. The _treaty._ As if that's worth Bella's life.

I can't believe I let it happen.

No, I'm glad I was able to save her.

I don't even know! If I wasn't a werewolf, I would have gone with her to this meadow she's been trying to find. With my help. But then if I HAD gone with her, and the bloodsucker DID show up...we would both be dead.

So I guess I'm glad.

But she probably doesn't...she isn't. She calls all the time, Billy says. Even when I'm there, I can't talk to her. I'm sure I'll crack and tell her, Sam's order or not. No, I'll probably choke trying to get it out, then I'll be dead and that won't help her either.

There has to be some way for her to find out. There _has_ to.

* * *

March 15 

Couldn't write for a while...it was hard to be human, I could only just make it for mealtimes with Billy. As if I wanted to. He said Bella called again, and again, and again, so many times he disconnected the phone. Like he really needed to say that. Like I needed to hear that. That's what pushed me to phase. He _disconnected the phone._ When Bella called. I can only imagine what she might feel like right now.

I've been bugging Sam to let me tell Bella. He won't let up. I guilt trip, I beg, plead, I threaten (like that works...it's almost funny) but he won't let up. It's driving me crazy. Well, it's probably driving the pack crazy more than me. Sam sent me home, told me to phase, yesterday, when I wouldn't shut up.

* * *

March 16 

This is not only in my head. Bella really does need me. I am not crazy.

Billy told me about how when I was running around the forest as a giant mutant dog chasing leeches Charlie called and yelled at him, trying to talk to me, and when Billy wouldn't let him, he just yelled at him.

Apparently Bella's...worse. Well...I dunno. Billy says Charlie screamed that Bella doesn't know what to do, that she's eating less, and he's afraid what happened when the filthy bloodsucker left her will happen again. That almost made me...I can't say happy, but...I'm happy that I'm filling the hole _he_ left gaping wide open. Or rather I _did._

He says it's my fault. He blames it on me. "Bella needs him...she's back where she was when _he_ left!" and "You're my friend, Billy, but this is hurting my family." That got to me more than to Billy. _I'm _hurting Bella. I'm no better than the filthy leech. I promised her, I promised I wouldn't let her down...it's killing me.

Then, Billy blamed it on Bella. She was leading me on, I'd had enough. I would have laughed it I didn't have to run outside and burst another pair of shoes open, I was so ready to murder my own dad.

Murder my own dad.

See what a monster I've become?! See what those bloodsuckers made me? I just want to rip their freaking little cold stone throats out, I just want to see them shredded and burnt, I just want to see that thick gray smoke ride up in the air and know that I did it, I killed them, I--

What am I talking about? I do...but...oh my god.

I think I'm going crazy.

* * *

March 17 

As I was walking home with Sam and Jared and Paul and Embry, when I was right outside the house, I saw Bella's truck parked outside. And with my super werewolf senses, I could tell she wasn't in the house. She was in the car. I walked foward, but Sam and the others followed me. I tried to tell them to not, but they didn't listen. Sam's the one who makes the rules, not me. If I did I would have been with Bella, not walking towards her and feeling my heart break open but closing it up so I wouldn't show her anything, let her know anything, show her only anger that wasn't even directed towards her--

Okay.

So...she wanted to know, and I didn't tell her. Couldn't. I felt like I was a danger to her, like her stupid worthless bloodsucker. Now I'm her stupid worthless werewolf. We went on a "walk". I stopped when we were only a few feet into the trees, because I didn't really trust myself and I wanted to be close to the others if I...if I what? Tried to...tried to...kill her? I would never to that. Never. I will never loose control. I will never phase in front of her.

She yelled at me. She cried. She begged.

I tried to stay calm. I told her to blame the vampires she loves. She...the expression in her eyes when I say the name...Cullen. It kills me as much as it kills her, but I did it anyways. I'm a jerk, I know it. I talked, whispered, fought in my head as much as with her.

Then she said she ran into Quil today, that he's scared, scared that he's next, and I cracked. Ha. Cracked a tree. A _tree!_ That did it. I left then. I realized what I could do to her, if I lost control. I was terrified. And then she asked me, "Are you breaking up with me?"

I almost laughed. Yeah, right. I wish. Well, wish that I could...you know?

I said I'm sorry, but I don't think she believed me. I could hear myself say it, but it didn't even sound like me.

She blamed herself. She apologized for not being able to...love me as much as I love her. And after that I couldn't keep the anger and keep away the...everything else. I couldn't hide behind the anger and block myself off from feeling anything else...

She said she needed me.

* * *

March 17 later 

I've decided to tell Bella, or at least try.

A while ago it hit me that she knows. I told her! At the beach, when we met, I told her the legends. All I need to do is tell her that they're true. Will she remember? I don't know. Maybe she only remembered the one story. I'll go to her house and tell her. I don't care how late it is, that it's the middle of the night. I doubt she's sleeping anyways.

I'll run there and tell her and hope.

* * *

March 17, even later 

There. I told her.

I feel like such complete and utter crap I might need to go to therapy. But the therapist would probably lock me up if they heard about _all_ my problems.

Not seeing Bella, I could deal with, even if she couldn't. Actually, the fact that she's hurting right now, because of me, makes me not able to stand it, but...anyways.

No...what kills me most is that she actually _loves_ one of them. And there is no doubt that she knows what he was. What they are.

And then the pack wonder how I can love a girl who loves_ them._ They're disgusted. And I wonder the same thing. But somehow, I still do.

But I know it's only going to bring more pain to me. Or both of us, if what Billy says Charlie says is right, about how she's doing now.

Because I can see the disgust in her eyes as she backs away from me when she finally realizes. I can see the sorrow of what I am, the pity, for what I have to deal with, and the regret that she ever trusted such a monster.

_Werewolf._

I'd be willing to give up all the cool things; the running, the phasing, my super-senses, strength, and un-clumsiness, the pack, all to be human again and be able to be with Bella again, be able to be her friend again, be able to sit in the shed with her while I worked on my car, drinking warm sodas, be able to teach her ride motorcycles and hike with her in search of an elusive meadow...

But I can't.

God, how I wish she would just accept me, and we could somehow move on from this, over it, away.

She could, couldn't she?

She has to.

I've come to rely on her as much as she relies on me. I love her so much. If every day now is hurting me a little more, how am i expected to last like this forever?

But then...how can she not? Accept me, I mean. The werewolf part of me, anyways. She loved, loves, a vampire, bloodsuker, hard, stone, cold. Not to mention the smell. So how can she not...tolerate a cute little fluffy, cuddly, wolf puppy? Aw...

Put it that way and it seems like I have some hope, after all, how can she be such a hypocrite, anyways?

I can't sleep. I can't wait until the morning. She'll know. She'll remember.

* * *

_A/N: Okay...sorry that took so long, blah blah blah...I hope you like it. If you see anything, or anything, like how I can make it better and stuff, please tell me, because I don't think I'm all that great at writing fanfics and...yeah. So please review and tell me how you liked it or how you didn't like it. please? thanks!!!_


	7. Chapter 7

_It's been so long, I know. But it got deleted, AGAIN (I have major issues with this), and I couldn't face rewriting. I'm so sorry...please forgive me and red and review?_

_Oh, and a disclaimer: _

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, the plot, or the storyline. Just the words. I don't own some of the dialogue, either. Some I do, though. I just write this because...I feel like it?

_That's for the whole story._

* * *

March 20

I really hate it when Bella hangs out on the beach and I have to hunt for that annoying bloodsucker. When I go to make sure she's okay, in between patrols, right before I get to her I see her, pacing or sitting, and I wonder, doesn't she ever get bored? Hungry? Thirsty? Just lonely? It sometimes seems, as much better as she is now, that she's still a shell, and when I remember the glowing, happy girl at the beach last year, full of life and color--but then I remember the reason of that joy, the filthy worthless leech. And think that I was just used, and I betrayed, however unknowingly, my pack and family, I just--but I don't blame her. At all. She had a mission, a mystery. Just like she had when I changed and left her, just not as important, however much I might wish it was. But it hurt me like hell when I left her, and how could it have hurt Cullen like that, he would have come back! I would have if I could have, if Sam had let me. I wasn't that strong. I wasn't that perfect, to stay away to protect her. but I had to stay _with_ her to protect her, so it's just so confusing and stupid and pointless--but that leech could have come back! There was nothing stopping him, no engagements or unbreakable commands.

But then I was happy that she had come to the beach and tricked me into telling her the old legends. If I hadn't, I would never be able to tell her, she would never have found out. About me, not him. All that was unavoidable.

So when I go to the beach, I hold her hand. It's nothing big, but it helps me, just a little, and if she minded she would protest, because that's just her. It's not like it's hurting her at all, and I just...I don't know. I'll take any little piece of her that I can get, because anything that's left from when Edward Cullen left her, she's guarding closer than her memories, locked up and unreachable.

She eats with us sometimes, with Billy and Sam and Emily and sometimes Charlie and Embry or Jared.

I wish Quil would hurry up and change too.

No, I don't mean that. I really don't want him to. I wish, sometimes, that we could all be here, werewolves, and sometimes that we could all be human. But when I see him I see me from his eyes, and I think about how I felt when Embry started acting like that. At least I had Quil then. I just see Sam, when I look at him, and I know I look like Sam, and sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't. Mostly not, only when I'm a wolf, running.

I went with Bella to her job, work. I'm so scared the vampire will find her, and what she's been able to escape doing from now will come to her. I shudder to think of it, of her all cold and hard, icy, over sweet, and...vampire. I almost want to run over to her house right now and make sure the leech isn't crawling through her window and reaching out to her throat and--

Just thinking about it makes me want to phase, run, go protect her. I tell myself there isn't a threat, there's no way the bloodsucker can get to Forks, Sam made sure of that, we all did.

Anyway, so I went with Bella to her work. That Mike kid who went to the movies with us met her outside, and before I pulled away I heard a bit of their conversation. They must not have seen me, known I was there. Mike asked, disgusted, "Are you dating that kid from La Push? The sophomore?" I wish. But Bella said, "Not in the technical sense of the word. I do spend most of my time with Jacob, though. He's my best friend." I wanted to see that boy's face then.

"Don't kid yourself, Bella." Kid, kid, kid. I almost laughed. "The guy's head over heels for you." Was I really that obvious? It is true, it really is. I really am. He put it perfectly, maybe a different tone would be nice, I think.

Anyway, then Bella said, "I know. Life is complicated." And then Mike said, "And girls are cruel."

And I just agree with that. Even though I love Bella more than anything (and I can finally admit it to myself)...girls are cruel. She knows I love her. So why can't she--

Stop it, stop it. She can't choose who she loves, just like I can't choose who I love. Well, I wouldn't choose anyone else, but that's not the point.

It's not her fault. She'll come around. She has to. She has to.

* * *

March 20, evening

Charlie and Bella came over later to have cake with us and Sam and Emily. I could tell that Charlie was a little worried, but his face after he tried Emily's cake was...well, the worries vanished.

But me and Bella went to the garage and sat in the Rabbit. Bella asked me things, like if my heat was a wolf thing, and the healing. I wanted to show her, but then she stopped me. I remembered to late her intolerance of blood.

And then we talked about Quil. I am totally mixed about him. Of course I want him to change, hurry up and change, but to want to doom another person to this fate is horrible. I was remembering my own transformation, and I still wonder at how something as trivial as Billy saying I looked weird could make me explode into a giant wolf. But I was so happy, so happy because of Bella. I had the tiniest bit of hope, but then it all disappeared when I changed. How could she ever love me? I still wonder that. But she still does--

Does she? She says she does...I can tell she does. Like a brother. Like a friend. I can tell, I can see her guilt that it's not more. She wants it to be more.

But I can wait.

She asked me what the worst part was. And the best part. Then I asked her if she was ever creeped out by the bloodsuckers, by being around them. She said no, and she sounded sure, positive.

Then I asked her something I'd been wondering for a while. Her vampire seemed so..._peaceful, _as much as that was an oxymoron. I asked her why he killed the James leech.

She said that James was trying to kill her, just for fun. And that's how close he got, when she was in the hospital, broken leg and so hurt.

She touched he scar, the strange cold one. Then I realized the reason why it was so cold. She said that James bit her and Edward saved her, suck out the venom. Along with her blood. I had to concentrate on keeping my shape together, staying human. The idea of someone biting Bella, sucking the blood out of her--and _her leech_ sucking her blood...

I asked for something else to think about, for her to tell me something else. She told me that Jasper could control the emotions of people around him. I thought that was kind of creepy, and I hoped I'd never be around him or else he'd just make me feel...whatever he wanted me to feel. which was not good.

And Alice could see the future. That one wasn't as creepy, but I thought of a war or something with them, which I didn't want, because that would mean that they'd have to come back here which would mean I would loose Bella again, and in this war, which is NOT going to happen, the bloodsucker could tell exactly what happens and then she could just...win?

Anyways, then Bella was quiet and she was wrapping her arms around herself, and her expression and her body all curled up...

I asked her why she did that. I was beginning to feel like there are no more secrets between us, and that she actually trusts me. She told me that happens when she thinks about_ them._ It feels like she's falling apart, she has to hold herself together...

I just wanted to hold her together myself but I told myself it wasn't the time. Never the time. but we're both so messed up, neither of us can hold out shape together...but we have each other. I was sure comforted by that, I don't know about her. She said she was, she said that it was..."at least there's that."

* * *

March 22

As I walked to the beach to find Bella I saw her curled up on the rocks, holding herself together, like before, like she told me. I rushed to her, picked her up and held her. She was so cold, especially against my hot skin.

I told her we should do something fun tomorrow. I felt bad for ruining her spring break, making her stay in safety while we hunted the elusive bloodsucker. I told her we would go cliff diving. I had promised her before, and so now I'm making good on that promise.

* * *

March 23

Oh, God. She went alone. She jumped alone. She's sleeping now. But...

Embry, Jared, and Paul caught a fresh trail this morning. Early, Sam woke me up. I had to hurry, and I told Billy to tell Bella to wait for me and be safe, and to tell her what happened.

We didn't get the leech. She's so tricky, always going around or through the holes in our defense. At least she hasn't made it through to La Push yet, or Forks. Sam was so mad, when she disappeared into thin air, almost. Really, she did.

Anyways. And then I was just...I was just running past the cliffs, heard a shrill, familiar scream. I ran, and I saw Bella's truck parked by the edge, off the road.

I jumped off the edge, against Paul's thoughts and still in my wolf form. Sam phased and I thought he ran down to the beach. I just jumped off the edge, but I couldn't see Bella. I swam, faster and stronger than I would have been able to do had I not been in my wolf form, or if I wasn't even a werewolf.

I dive under and saw her,floating in the water deep down. She was so far down she had to be out of breath already. I dove down, grabbed her, but before I reached out I saw her face and I hesitated for a split second, much to my own shame. She looked so peaceful, so happy. Like I don't remember ever seeing her. Like I knew I probably wouldn't again, not for a long time, at least. I didn't want to disturb that. But my own selfishness won through and I pulled her out no matter. Even though she looked so happy, could probably die happy like that, I saved her. I just love her too much to let her be happy, if it meant her being dead.

I hate myself for doing that, but how can it be bad to save someone? Especially since I would probably die if she died. Especially if I let her die. Right there and saw her and could have saved her and I didn't. Then, I would die.

So I saved her. She was coughing up so much salt water when I pulled her back to shore. She was unconscious at first but, after Sam gave me some shorts, she woke up. I was so worried that she wouldn't, that my efforts had been in vain...

She's waking up. Coughing.


	8. Chapter 8

_It's been so long, I know. But it got deleted, AGAIN (I have major issues with this), and I couldn't face rewriting. I'm so sorry...please forgive me and read and review?_

_Oh, and a disclaimer: _

_Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, the plot, or the storyline. Just the words. I don't own some of the dialogue, either. Some I do, though. I just write this because...I feel like it?_

_That's for the whole story._

* * *

March 20

I really hate it when Bella hangs out on the beach and I have to hunt for that annoying bloodsucker. When I go to make sure she's okay, in between patrols, right before I get to her I see her, pacing or sitting, and I wonder, doesn't she ever get bored? Hungry? Thirsty? Just lonely? It sometimes seems, as much better as she is now, that she's still a shell, and when I remember the glowing, happy girl at the beach last year, full of life and color--but then I remember the reason of that joy, the filthy worthless leech. And think that I was just used, and I betrayed, however unknowingly, my pack and family, I just--but I don't blame her. At all. She had a mission, a mystery. Just like she had when I changed and left her, just not as important, however much I might wish it was. But it hurt me like hell when I left her, and how could it have hurt Cullen like that, he would have come back! I would have if I could have, if Sam had let me. I wasn't that strong. I wasn't that perfect, to stay away to protect her. but I had to stay _with_ her to protect her, so it's just so confusing and stupid and pointless--but that leech could have come back! There was nothing stopping him, no engagements or unbreakable commands.

But then I was happy that she had come to the beach and tricked me into telling her the old legends. If I hadn't, I would never be able to tell her, she would never have found out. About me, not him. All that was unavoidable.

So when I go to the beach, I hold her hand. It's nothing big, but it helps me, just a little, and if she minded she would protest, because that's just her. It's not like it's hurting her at all, and I just...I don't know. I'll take any little piece of her that I can get, because anything that's left from when Edward Cullen left her, she's guarding closer than her memories, locked up and unreachable.

She eats with us sometimes, with Billy and Sam and Emily and sometimes Charlie and Embry or Jared.

I wish Quil would hurry up and change too.

No, I don't mean that. I really don't want him to. I wish, sometimes, that we could all be here, werewolves, and sometimes that we could all be human. But when I see him I see me from his eyes, and I think about how I felt when Embry started acting like that. At least I had Quil then. I just see Sam, when I look at him, and I know I look like Sam, and sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't. Mostly not, only when I'm a wolf, running.

I went with Bella to her job, work. I'm so scared the vampire will find her, and what she's been able to escape doing from now will come to her. I shudder to think of it, of her all cold and hard, icy, over sweet, and...vampire. I almost want to run over to her house right now and make sure the leech isn't crawling through her window and reaching out to her throat and--

Just thinking about it makes me want to phase, run, go protect her. I tell myself there isn't a threat, there's no way the bloodsucker can get to Forks, Sam made sure of that, we all did.

Anyway, so I went with Bella to her work. That Mike guy who went to the movies with us met her outside, and before I pulled away I heard a bit of their conversation. They must not have seen me, known I was there. Mike asked, disgusted, "Are you dating that kid from La Push? The sophomore?" I wish. But Bella said, "Not in the technical sense of the word. I do spend most of my time with Jacob, though. He's my best friend." I wanted to see that boy's face then.

"Don't kid yourself, Bella." Kid, kid, kid. I almost laughed. "The guy's head over heels for you." Was I really that obvious? It is true, it really is. I really am. He put it perfectly, maybe a different tone would be nice, I think.

Anyway, then Bella said, "I know. Life is complicated." And then Mike said, "And girls are cruel."

And I just agree with that. Even though I love Bella more than anything (and I can finally admit it to myself)...girls are cruel. She knows I love her. So why can't she--

Stop it, stop it. She can't choose who she loves, just like I can't choose who I love. Well, I wouldn't choose anyone else, but that's not the point.

It's not her fault. She'll come around, she has to. She has to.

* * *

March 20, evening

Charlie and Bella came over later to have cake with us and Sam and Emily. I could tell that Charlie was a little worried, but his face after he tried Emily's cake was...well, the worries vanished.

But me and Bella went to the garage and sat in the Rabbit. Bella asked me things, like if my heat was a wolf thing, and the healing. I wanted to show her, but then she stopped me. I remembered too late her intolerance of blood.

And then we talked about Quil. I am totally mixed about him. Of course I want him to change, hurry up and change, but to want to doom another person to this fate is horrible. I was remembering my own transformation, and I still wonder at how something as trivial as Billy saying I looked weird could make me explode into a giant wolf. But I was so happy, so happy because of Bella. I had the tiniest bit of hope, but then it all disappeared when I changed. How could she ever love me? I still wonder that. But she still does--

Does she? She says she does...I can tell she does. Like a brother. Like a friend. I can tell, I can see her guilt that it's not more. She wants it to be more.

But I can wait.

She asked me what the worst part was. And the best part. Then I asked her if she was ever creeped out by the bloodsuckers, by being around them. She said no, and she sounded sure, positive.

Then I asked her something I'd been wondering for a while. Her vampire seemed so..._peaceful, _as much as that was an oxymoron. I asked her why he killed the James leech.

I couldn't understand her expression when she talked about them. It was so hurt, and yet still so filled with love. She still loves him, I realized. Even after what he did to her she still loves him.

She said that James was trying to kill her, just for fun. And that's how close he got, when she was in the hospital, broken leg and so hurt.

She touched he scar, the strange cold one. Then I realized the reason why it was so cold. She said that James bit her and Edward saved her, sucked out the venom. Along with her blood. I had to concentrate on keeping my shape together, staying human. The idea of someone biting Bella, sucking the blood out of her--and _her leech_ sucking her blood...

I asked for something else to think about, for her to tell me something else. She told me that Jasper could control the emotions of people around him. I thought that was kind of creepy, and I hoped I'd never be around him or else he'd just make me feel...whatever he wanted me to feel. Which was not good. Sam won't be happy.

And Alice could see the future. That one wasn't as creepy, but I thought of a war or something with them, which I didn't want, because that would mean that they'd have to come back here which would mean I would loose Bella again, and in this war, which is NOT going to happen, the bloodsucker could tell exactly what happens and then she could just...win.

Anyways, then Bella was quiet and she was wrapping her arms around herself, and her expression and her body all curled up...

I asked her why she did that. I was beginning to feel like there are no more secrets between us, and that she actually trusts me. She told me that happens when she thinks about_ them._ It feels like she's falling apart, she has to hold herself together...

I just wanted to hold her together myself but I told myself it wasn't the time. Never the time. But we're both so messed up, neither of us can hold out shape together...but we have each other. I was sure comforted by that, I don't know about her. She said she was, she said that it was..."at least there's that."

* * *

March 22

As I walked to the beach to find Bella I saw her curled up on the rocks, holding herself together, like before, like she told me. I rushed to her, picked her up and held her. She was so cold, especially against my hot skin.

I told her we should do something fun tomorrow. I felt bad for ruining her spring break, making her stay in safety while we hunted the elusive bloodsucker. I told her we would go cliff diving. I had promised her before, and so now I'm making good on that promise.

* * *

March 23

Oh, God. She went alone. She jumped alone. She's sleeping now. But...

Embry, Jared, and Paul caught a fresh trail this morning. Early, Sam woke me up. I had to hurry, and I told Billy to tell Bella to wait for me and be safe, and to tell her what happened.

We didn't get the leech. She's so tricky, always going around or through the holes in our defense. At least she hasn't made it through to La Push yet, or Forks. Sam was so mad, when she disappeared into thin air, almost. Really, she did.

Anyways. And then I was just...I was just running past the cliffs, heard a shrill, familiar scream. I ran, and I saw Bella's truck parked by the edge, off the road.

I jumped off the edge, against Paul's thoughts and still in my wolf form. Sam phased and I thought he ran down to the beach. I just jumped off the edge, but I couldn't see Bella. I swam, faster and stronger than I would have been able to do had I not been in my wolf form, or if I wasn't even a werewolf.

I dove under and saw her, floating in the water deep down. She was so far down she had to be out of breath already. I dove down, grabbed her, but before I reached out I saw her face and I hesitated for a split second, much to my own shame. She looked so peaceful, so happy. Like I don't remember ever seeing her. Like I knew I probably wouldn't again, not for a long time, at least. I didn't want to disturb that. But my own selfishness won through and I pulled her out no matter. Even though she looked so happy, could probably die happy like that, I saved her. I just love her too much to let her be happy, if it meant her being dead.

I hate myself for doing that, but how can it be bad to save someone? Especially since I would probably die if she died. Especially if I let her die. Right there and saw her and could have saved her and I didn't. Then, I would die.

So I saved her. She was coughing up so much salt water when I pulled her back to shore. She was unconscious at first but, after Sam gave me some shorts, she woke up. I was so worried that she wouldn't, that my efforts had been in vain, that I would never see her again...

She's waking up. Coughing.

* * *


End file.
